It's a first draft, so it's crap.
FADE IN
EXT. OUTSIDE OLD MAN'S HOME -- DAYTIME
VIN (a young mail delivery boy wearing a messenger bag) walks onto the property of a withered old house, the yard littered with stone statues on display. Vin stares at the statues as he passes by them, in awe of the craftsmanship. He steps up to the door, knocks, and closely inspects one of the statues at the entrance as an OLD MAN answers and welcomes him in.
INT. INSIDE OLD MAN'S HOME -- DAYTIME
Vin enters into a darkly-lit home. All around him are more statues much like the ones just outside the house along with stonecutting tools. He also sees a cage dangling quietly in plain sight in the room just beyond the entryway. Remembering his purpose, Vin pulls from his pouch a small letter sealed with wax. He quickly hands it to the man who wastes no time in unsealing it. He looks it over, and a small grin appears on his face. He looks down at the boy again, who waits patiently for his tip. The old man motions for Vin to wait while he walks upstairs. On his way up, the man drops the letter onto a stack of seemingly identical cards piled on a desk.
As he waits, Vin walks over to the cage. He looks inside to see a small chicken resting anxiously behind the bars. To his horror, the bird looks looks malnourished and severely depressed. The bird looks at him with doe eyes, and motions for Vin to release him from his caged hell. He looks for a way to get the bird out, but much to his dismay, notices a large padlock is keeping the door sealed shut. The bird points a wing to a key hanging around the neck of one of the statues, and it glints in what little sunlight has made it through the curtains in the dim room.
Vin checks the stairs before swiftly running over to the statue where the key is slung around the neck of a particularely frightened-looking statue of a man. He cringes at its expression before whisking the key from around its neck. He grasps it firmly as he runs back to the cage and thrusts the key into the padlock. As the key is turned, a loud clicking noise is heard from above and a large carge falls down on Vin - the padlock was actually the trigger to a trap.
The force of the cage hitting the floor shakes loose the pile of letters from the desk and sends it toppling in the direction of the cage. Vin bends over and picks up one of the cards that has spilled inside the cage and opens it, revealing a picture of himself. A shadow slowly comes over him, and he looks up to see a grinning old man with the chicken standing at his side. Vin then glances down at a photo in the pile of fallen letters and back to the statue where he retrieved the key and they are the same person. The old man then blows a handful of powder onto the boy, turning him to stone in seconds.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. OUTSIDE OLD MAN'S HOME -- DAYTIME
A second postal worker walks onto the old man's property and passes Vin (now a statue). He knocks on the door and is welcomed in by the old man. The door closes and Vin's statue is brought into focus.
FADE OUT
CREDITS
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Final story -revision-
Having a revision of a final story is kind of contradictory, but I can roll with it.
This revision has some changes to the setting as well as some tweaks in the antagonist characters.
A young boy walks to the entrance of a weathered old house and knocks on the door -- an old man answers, welcoming him in. As the boy enters, he spies an arrangement of various statues littered around the home. Animals, people, and the like; He thinks to himself that the man must be a sculptor. He pulls a letter from his pouch and presents it to the man. The man opens the letter and reads it over slowly, a slight grin coming over his face as he drops the letter onto a pile of letters on a desk. As the man reads the message to himself, the boy spots a sad-looking chicken in a cage. The man then claims that he has a tip for the boy and leaves upstairs to retrieve it, leaving the boy alone with the caged bird.
As soon as the man is out of sight, the bird coaxes the boy over to its cage. It motions for him to free it, trying to show clearly that it has been mistreated by the man. The boy is quick to feel sorry for the bird, and begins to find a way to release it from its cage. The bird motions to the large padlock on the door of the cage, and that the key hangs around the neck of one of the statues in the room. The boy grabs the key, unlocks the cage and the bird jumps to the ground. He makes his way for the door to let the bird escape but as he reaches the door, he turns around to see the bird jump on a small lever, dropping a large cage down around him. As the boy stands to assess the situation, he's greeted by the man overshadowing him, with the bird staring at him knowingly at the man's side; he's been duped! The boy frantically begins to look around and sees statues of terrified men, women and children, some wearing mail delivery uniforms. Near his feet, he also discovers the very letter he delivered to the man. He picks it up and looks at it, discovering the only contents to be a small photograph of HIMSELF taped to the letter. As he realizes this, he looks up to see the man throw a handful of strange powder on him. He sneezes, and staggers back for a moment, only to see himself quickly turn to stone. A blank expression comes over his face as the effect washes over his entire body, leaving him frozen in stone.
[fade out]
[fade in]
Another postman enters the property and walks towards the house, passing the the statue of the young boy. He knocks on the door and is welcomed in by the old man.
-------------
Just a couple questions I want to ask the people reading over this for comments so I can get a little more feedback than the usual "keep up the good work!".
- Is it coherent? I have a bad habit of visualizing things in my head but not really putting it out coherently on paper. I want to make sure everything is explained in a way that makes sense.
- Does the part with the letter tie into the story well enough? I have plans to visually represent it a little better in the setting, but I still have my doubts that I've done enough with it, or dealt with it in the right way.
This revision has some changes to the setting as well as some tweaks in the antagonist characters.
A young boy walks to the entrance of a weathered old house and knocks on the door -- an old man answers, welcoming him in. As the boy enters, he spies an arrangement of various statues littered around the home. Animals, people, and the like; He thinks to himself that the man must be a sculptor. He pulls a letter from his pouch and presents it to the man. The man opens the letter and reads it over slowly, a slight grin coming over his face as he drops the letter onto a pile of letters on a desk. As the man reads the message to himself, the boy spots a sad-looking chicken in a cage. The man then claims that he has a tip for the boy and leaves upstairs to retrieve it, leaving the boy alone with the caged bird.
As soon as the man is out of sight, the bird coaxes the boy over to its cage. It motions for him to free it, trying to show clearly that it has been mistreated by the man. The boy is quick to feel sorry for the bird, and begins to find a way to release it from its cage. The bird motions to the large padlock on the door of the cage, and that the key hangs around the neck of one of the statues in the room. The boy grabs the key, unlocks the cage and the bird jumps to the ground. He makes his way for the door to let the bird escape but as he reaches the door, he turns around to see the bird jump on a small lever, dropping a large cage down around him. As the boy stands to assess the situation, he's greeted by the man overshadowing him, with the bird staring at him knowingly at the man's side; he's been duped! The boy frantically begins to look around and sees statues of terrified men, women and children, some wearing mail delivery uniforms. Near his feet, he also discovers the very letter he delivered to the man. He picks it up and looks at it, discovering the only contents to be a small photograph of HIMSELF taped to the letter. As he realizes this, he looks up to see the man throw a handful of strange powder on him. He sneezes, and staggers back for a moment, only to see himself quickly turn to stone. A blank expression comes over his face as the effect washes over his entire body, leaving him frozen in stone.
[fade out]
[fade in]
Another postman enters the property and walks towards the house, passing the the statue of the young boy. He knocks on the door and is welcomed in by the old man.
-------------
Just a couple questions I want to ask the people reading over this for comments so I can get a little more feedback than the usual "keep up the good work!".
- Is it coherent? I have a bad habit of visualizing things in my head but not really putting it out coherently on paper. I want to make sure everything is explained in a way that makes sense.
- Does the part with the letter tie into the story well enough? I have plans to visually represent it a little better in the setting, but I still have my doubts that I've done enough with it, or dealt with it in the right way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)